Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was one of our favorite holidays. Adrienne always said she'd learn to cook and help. She never did but she told me what she wanted to eat and I cooked it, and I loved it. The holiday just isn't the same any more. Curt and I had planned to go to southern California to see Daniel but things didn't work out (long story, his, not ours) so we're staying home this year. We'll go out for dinner, just the two of us. Caesar isn't doing well now either and we don't expect he'll be with us too much longer so it's good to be close to home, but you never know, the way he continues to surprise us.

Adrienne's BFF from CMC, Sara, is doing the LA Marathon with Team in Training in her honor. If you'd like to donate, please go to http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/la12/sararoberson. I know she'd love to hear from you and I know Adrienne is so proud of her for doing this.

2 years today

Dearest Adrienne, It's been two years since you took your last breath. It was the worst day of my life and I've had many bad days since, but I'm so proud and honored to have had you in my life for 22 years. I hope that you are happy, peaceful, and pain free. I'll always love you, more than even I can imagine. Love, Mom

Back Home

Curt and I returned from our trip last week. It was wonderful (of course) but the jet lag really knocked us out. We returned to find a package with a book that Adrienne worked on at CMC, and it was dedicated to her. I knew it was coming but I was happy to receive it and to hear from her prof. CMC also created a plaque in her honor and placed it in the reading room that she frequented there. She loved being at CMC and I'm glad that she was able to have that.

I start class again tonight with a 5 week, 3 night a week class, very quick and intense. Then I start work on my thesis/dissertation. I've decided to do my research into cyberbullying because I believe that this is a real and important health issue that needs attention and real-world solutions. We'll see where this takes me.

I want to offer a shout and support to my "moms," women like me with a child fighting Hodgkin's or who have lost a child to this disease. I wish we didn't have this little club but I'm glad that we can support and help each other. I love you all.

Healing and coping, they really do mean different things.

People ask me how I'm doing, if things are better, and I realized that I'm coping better but healing is a whole other story.

Healing and coping, they really do mean different things.

We usually heal from a physical wound, but when we do, there is usually a scar that we have for all of our lives.

Coping is a mechanism that our brains use to overcome emotional pain, a hurt that wounds our hearts. We don't see it, but it is there revisiting us at moments we don't expect and causing us to spiral back down into pain.

Physical healing, for example, for a bone break, means that the two ends are reattached firmly back together, sometimes even stronger than it was before.

Coping is something that has to be done over and over again. We get better at it, but we can also backslide into grief, reassessing our loss and opening the wound in our hearts to re-injure ourselves and feeling that pain once again. It is an injury that we will feel for all of our lives.

But it can also make us stronger too.

We can learn from this pain, healing our hearts much like physical healing takes place. We can use the pain to help others, and in so doing, help ourselves. It is coping, but it is also healing. So much of our loss and pain manifests itself in physical symptoms, and we need to recover from those. We can't still be prostrate in bed for years after the death of our child (although we'd like to be). We can't ignore the daily tasks of taking care of other children, of providing clothing and shelter for them and ourselves, of moving forward in this world.

We have to pick ourselves up and take those first steps towards recovery. It won't happen steadily like a bone break, but it will happen.